My Boy In The Llama Hat
by ThatEnglishRoseisnotonfire
Summary: My Boy In The Llama Hat is gone. Phan
1. Chapter 1

**_This was my first phanfiction so I hope you enjoy it please R&R_**

* * *

I roll out of bed, trying and failing to not think about him. I lay my head in my hands, trying to erase his image from the inside of my eyelids. I only succeed in hurting my eyes so I walk to the kitchen for some toast. It occurs to me that I haven't eaten much since what happened and I vow to start eating regularly flat is eerily empty without him. I check the window just in case there has been a spontaneous zombie apocalypse overnight but nothing; it seems that ever since he died my world has stopped spinning. I envy the people who are unaware of my agony, whose only problems are what to cook for dinner. The toaster startles me and ignoring my vow I simply chuck it in the bin, it's not the same without him.

I walk to the bathroom and I stare at my reflection and search for the boy that used to be there, who believed in the shadow realm and was so blissfully unaware of the horrors that would befall him. All I can see is a pale, blue eyed boy gazing back at me. I close my eyes once again and I can feel his hand on my cheek, his laugh in my ear and I can see a dark haired, chocolate eyes boy in a llama hat who whispers my name

"Phil"

My eyes snap open

And my boy in the llama hat is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

I walked away from the mirror, leaving my memories behind. I check my phone for any sign of him but all I get are the same things as yesterday- text from Peej, missed call from Chris and several voicemail messages from various friends and family. As usual I ignore these pleas for the old Phil because no one understands that I am not Phil anymore, Phil died several days after his best friend and lover, Daniel Howell ran in front of a train because Phil said the forbidden 'L' word. I am called the Leader of the lions, looking for the self proclaimed 'Director of the Danosaurs', my Flame Prince, my soul mate. He's out there somewhere, I know it…

I just have to find him.

* * *

**Where are you?**

I send this message to the Boy in the Llama Hat a hundred times a day, just to let him know I am thinking of him, thinking of us. There are many times each day when the old Phil locates a chink in my armour and for a few minutes I am paralysed and all I can do is weep for me, weep for him and weep for what might have been if Phil, stupid, stupid Phil had not whispered that damn 'L' word all those weeks ago...

My phone on the table pings with that annoying I phone tone titled 'Glass'

**Carrie Fletcher Chris Kendall Alex Day PJ Liguori**

** Message Message Message Message**

Why won't they all just leave me to grieve?

I find comfort in my new best friend- Painkillers

I swallow them one by one, dry swallowing, no water just the way I like it. The painkillers feel good; they take me away from reality and into a world of bliss.

Here I go.

here...


	3. Chapter 3

I put on my IPod, Muse to take away the pain, in my painkiller induced state, I play Bliss which is one of my favourites

_**It was one of his favourites too**_

It's cyclical really, for hours sometimes I can forget him, be happy for a while but then I do something, say something that makes my happiness dissolve. I realise that I can never be free from all the pain and the only way I can be happy is with him, but he can never come back to me…

_**But I can go to him easily**_

I contemplate this thought for a moment then I slowly get up and walk onto our balcony. Once there I think about all my memories of Dan and I, the cat whiskers, the centipede jellybeans and the soft, hushed "I love you" that ended it all for us, I release all of my memories, all of my love for him into one whispered word

_**"Dan"**_

I step onto the edge of the balcony, onto the edge of oblivion and as I tumble down to the pavement below, the lyrics of Muse are preserved in my mind for eternity.

_Everything about you is how I'd wanna be  
Your freedom comes naturally  
Everything about you resonates happiness  
Now I won't settle for less_

_Give me all the bliss and joy in your mind  
Everything about you pains my envying  
Your soul can't hate anything  
Everything about you is so easy to love  
They're watching you from above_

_Give me all the bliss and joy in your mind  
I want the bliss and joy in your mind  
Give me the bliss and joy in your mind_

_Everything about you resonates happiness  
Now I won't settle for less_

_Give me all the bliss and joy in your mind  
I want the bliss and joy in your mind  
Give me the bliss and joy in your mind_

~The End~


End file.
